Waiting for Helios
by The Decemberist
Summary: He's stuck in an endless night and she's not sure her light will ever reach him. (Jerza au)


Welp here goes nothing first foray into the ft fandom.

And with an angsty, dark oneshot…w0w so unlike me

* * *

 **Waiting for Helios**

 _He's drinking again._

It's not so much a thought as a matter of fact as she tastes the whisky on his tongue and smells it on his skin when her lips move lower and frowns when she sees a small brown stain at the bottom of his shirt. It should be enough to make her stop, push his hands from her body and demand to know what went wrong today in that infuriating mind of his that never gave him a respite from his demons and reassure him over and over that he's worth more than a vessel for punishment.

But his hands move lower-

and she's selfish.

The next morning he leaves without saying goodbye, the only sign of his presence on her sheets and the spot she missed on the inside of her right leg. He must've left soon after they finished because when she wakes up alone it's still dark out. She wished she expected something different.

She doesn't mind the drinking thing. Not like she should, anyway. But she gets it, gets _him_. Gets that he doesn't drink to escape but to punish his mind and his body for sins he should've long absolved himself for.

She should be sick of it. She keeps waiting for the morning that she wakes up pissed off and fed up, they way she would be with anyone else pulling this kind of self deprecating bullshit, and makes that phone call they both know he deserves and gets him out of her life for good.

Instead she wakes up sad and empty in the dark with only the moon keeping her company.

She misses him already.

The next night she notices Gray and Natsu eyeing her suspiciously and mentally kicks herself for thinking Lucy and Juvia would be able to keep her little tryst a secret. She's thankful they're out at a bar and both girls would never let them forget it if they brought up their displeasure with her relationship in public. She wouldn't be that mad anyway. They're her friends from and for forever and they love her and hate to see her sad and only want what's best for her.

But she never wanted best.

Just him.

0o0o0o0o0o0

When they were kids they grew up right next to each other and when she was 8 and three quarters and he had just turned 10 he kissed her under a bush during a neighborhood game of capture the flag.

One month later he waits by his front door and when it opens he starts shooting with the gun his father kept in the basement because that's what you do when you're ten and your parents beat you for things like dropping a plate after dinner.

He didn't know her mother came over when she saw them getting out of their car after work, hoping to borrow some rice for dinner.

It would've be easy to hate him. Everyone was ready to but somewhere between the doctor's testimony about the years of repeated abuse and his sobs when he was asked why he did what he did she realized there was no room for hate in her heart.

Only agony.

(Some things never change.)

Every time she visited him in the children's psych hospital he told her he wished he turned the gun on himself.

0o0o0o0o0o0

A week later she finds him in his apartment with the bottle of Jack still in his hand, vomit crusted around his mouth and for a moment her heart stops and the world stops and doesn't start up again until she turns him right side up and sees him slowly slow inhale and exhale. She cleans him up and moves him to bed and when he comes to an hour later she slaps him hard for scaring her.

"We've been through so much, you're the only one who understands, and now I'm losing you," Her voice keeps cracking and she looks at the ceiling, hoping the tears will stay in her eyes where they belong. "I know you think you need to punishment yourself forever but can't you see what you're doing is hurting _me_?"

He only looks at her wordlessly in response.

The next day she gives him a demand.

"Stop being so fucking selfish. You need to start taking care of yourself because I can't live my life afraid of what you'll do to me."

She doesn't hear from him for almost a month after and wonders if maybe this is for the best their bond wasn't stronger than history it'll be better if she moves on because at the end of the day there's only so much she can do if he refuses to change. All her love in the world won't be enough to stop him from forever seeing himself as a killer instead of how she does, as a previously manipulated, abused child who has the power to be more than his past.

She wasn't expecting the phone call on her way home from work, the rushed jumbled _imsorryimsorry you were right you were always right-_

0o0o0o0o0o0

"You can't save me you know," He tells her with noticeably cleaner breath the next time they're together, in that liminal space between passionate sex and cold, empty sheets.

(She doesn't deny it.)

"Shut up," She replies with a glare and reaches out to touch his hand. "I'll do whatever I please."

She pulls his hand over her heart and smiles, which he quickly reciprocates.

(He doesn't deny her.)

She looks over and notices the shadows on her floor receding into sunlight.

Somehow, without either of them noticing, night turned to day.

* * *

Quick Note: Don't actually believe alcoholism, or any kind of addiction, is selfish. But I see Jellal as more self destructive than an actual alcoholic like booze is just his method of trashing himself.

Jerza is so interesting because I think it's impossible to ship it without looking into the destructive nature of their relationship. Obvs this is an au but emotional side of their relationship is pretty much the same. I dunno at the end of the day I think they're the kind of pairing thats perfect for each other because they can only be with each other at this point they have so much baggage only the other person gets, which isn't always the the healthiest foundation for a relationship but doesn't mean they're doomed.


End file.
